I Don't Cook Much, But I sometimes Stir The Pot!!

Well, it's been a little while. About 4 years I think. I have considered picking this back up from time to time, but never felt quite compelled enough...until tonight.

We have been studying through Titus on Wednesday nights at church.  I almost didn't go tonight because I was supposed to work at our concession booth at the fair, but there were more than enough people, so I went on to church, and I am so glad I did.

Before I get to the heart of what I want to share, just a little "scene setting" I need to do. The political climate in this country is making me insane.  Not just the political climate, although that is where most of it seems to stem from, but all the hate and anger and division we are now experiencing. It really is making me crazy. It sometimes contributes to my anxiety, it sometimes makes me irrationally angry...and it always seems to make me a little bit sad.  But, if you turn on a TV, pick up a newspaper (yes, they still exist) or scroll through FaceBook, you can't avoid it.  For a little while now, there has been a nagging thought working its way through my brain, and it finally came to fruition tonight. There are times that I feel so righteously indignant about something, or so hurt, or so sad and/or frustrated about something I have read, heard or seen online, that I feel as if I HAVE to share a post, update my status or comment on someone's status. I do this because I just know that what I have to say will end world hunger, bring about world peace or, at the very least, change someone's mind to see things my way. Because really, MY side is the right side. Isn't it? Isn't that how we all feel? Maybe not exactly like that, but to some extent...if we're being honest.

I started to just condense this and put it as my FB status, but I decided to do this instead, as much for my self as for the 4 other people that might actually read this.  So...

As of tonight, I pledge, to the absolute best of my ability,to stop stirring the pot.

No more shares of political videos, memes or articles. No kind of snide, kind of passive aggressive, or even flat out aggressive status updates. No more hate. No more intimidation. (Because really, that's what so much of it is!) No more. Just. No. More. And here is why...

Titus 3:8-11

8)The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people. 9)But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. 10)As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, 11)knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned. 

And this:

 Romans 12: 18 & 21:

 18)If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

 21)Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

 All of Titus 3 has been speaking to this issue. All of Titus has spoken to me in different ways. Who knew such a small book could have such an impact! But pay careful attention to verse 9..."avoid foolish controversies...dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless." (Emphasis mine)

 All of the "discussions" I have with people, all of the shared  posts, all of it...they are unprofitable and worthless. Unprofitable. Worthless. 

Everywhere you turn, people are spewing hate and creating division. And it seems these very same people are crying about the hate and division. Yet no one seems to want to do anything about it. You hear the cry of "Unity"...while at the same time, fingers are pointed at some "group" that isn't doing what they are "supposed" to do, whatever it is. I have often lamented the fact that "it seems you can be anything nowadays...except a Christian." But it is the Christians that are letting this world down. We are the ones that truly have the answer, yet why would anyone listen to us when we are often screaming just as loud, or even louder that the rest of the world. We are acting like the rest of the world, then wonder why they don't want to hear what we have to say. And I really don't want to be that way anymore. I am a changed person. I have been redeemed. I have had chains broken. I am NOT the same person I was 24 years ago. Not even 3 years ago.I have been given the greatest gift one can possibly receive, and I have been taking it for granted. I have been acting like the world. Tonight, it stops.

I want to live peaceably. I want to avoid foolish controversies and dissensions. I want to build up, rather than tear down. And I am going to try...with all of the grace, mercy and power God gives me...I am going to.

What 19 years will do for you...

Do you know where you were and what you were doing exactly 19 years ago tonight?  I do.  It isn't my birthday, or wedding anniversary, or a child's birthday...but it was the night before the biggest night of my life.  I was working a crappy part time job selling cemetery plots (yes, you read that right) 3 hours a night for very little pay. I had no car, actually, didn't even have my license yet then (didn't get those until I was 26!) had no future plans, was so depressed I was suicidal (sorry Mom...I know you didn't know this part).  It was a Monday night.  I had made a plan that when I got my pitiful little check that week, I was going to buy as many sleeping pills as I possibly could and end it all.  We had been to visit a church just out the road from us the weekend before.  I was lost, as alone as I could possibly be and literally at the very end of my rope.  19 years ago tonight was the last night of my old life.  Tomorrow, it will be 19 years since I gave my life to Christ.

As I said, we had been to visit a church just out the road from us.  A decision that would change all of our lives.  Macedonia Baptist in Dawnville, GA.  We had just moved to the area, and a couple of different people had told us we should check out this church.  So, one Sunday morning, Mom and I did.  The pastor at the time was away, so Jimmy Dixon was preaching.  He gave his testimony.  He told how he had believed he had been saved, and had even been a pastor of a church for 20 years, but had never really had a relationship with Christ.  He told how he came to the realization that he had to swallow his pride and make it right, so he did just that one evening in the back room of the Pawn Shop he owned and how his life had never been the same.  Evey word he said resonated with me.  I felt like he was speaking directly to me.  I was having trouble breathing, my heart was pounding and I just wanted it to be over so I could leave!  When the alter call was issued, I gripped the back of the pew so tight that I think I left indentations.  But I stood my ground!  I wasn't about to go up there in front of all of those people and have them judge me or laugh at me.  We left, but I carried every word he said with me for that entire week and into the next week.  Then, came that Tuesday night, and the weekly visitation.  I had been at work, calling people to ask if they had planned for their future burial plans, and thinking of making some of my own. And yes, I get the irony.  Mom had picked me up, and when we pulled into the driveway, there was a strange car there.  We went in, and Mom went into the living room to greet them.  I hung out in the kitchen.  I had no desire to see anyone.  I did everything I possibly could to avoid going into the living room for as long as I could, but eventually, I had to.  When I walked in and sat down, everyone was making small talk and I said something that gave one of the visitors an opening.  Donna Hardin looked at me and said, "I'm glad you said that.  I have been wanting to talk to you since you came in. Can I share this booklet with you?"  It was a tract that explained salvation.  Being the polite person that I am, I said sure.  She came over and sat beside me and went through that little blue pamphlet step by step.  It all made perfect sense.

I am a sinner.

I cannot get to Heaven on my own.

I need someone to build a bridge for me.

Christ died to take my sins and build that bridge.

All I have to do is accept it.

It was so simple.  Why had I struggled and resisted and fought against Him for so long?  My heart was pounding again, but this time in an excited "hurry up, hurry up, hurry up" kind of way.  She asked me if I understood everything we had just read, and I said yes. She then asked the Most. Important. Question. Of. All.  "Do you want to pray and receive Jesus tonight?"  DID I???  By that time, I was ready to run full out and jump into his arms!!!  The scales had fallen away and I knew I needed HIM!  She led me in the sweetest, simplest prayer, and I FELT the weight I had been carrying lift off of my shoulders.  I am serious.  I literally felt it leave.  I never knew how oppressed and weighed down I really was until that moment.  Jesus Christ saved me.  Heart, soul, mind and body.  I was planning on killing myself that very week.  I 100% believe this was my last chance, and if I had passed it up, I would not be here now, I would be burning in the pit of hell, weeping, wailing and gnashing my teeth, because I would KNOW what I had passed up.  Am I worthy? No.  Am I worthy through Christ? Absolutely!! And I can never, ever thank Him enough.

Now...19 years later...I am not what I should be.  I am not even what I was at one point.  I have let the world come in and push and pull me in different directions.  I still struggle with depression, and I still think about suicide, and have even been hospitalized once for it.  I WILL NOT do it though.  I promised my Mom and my sister that I would never put them through that, and I won't.  I may not be the strongest person on earth, and I may not always finish what I start, but that is one promise I intend to keep.  I stumble, I fall, but I still get up.  I don't always show the world the best example of what a Christian "should" be, but I am trying my best to show them the best example of what a real Christian is...someone who isn't perfect, but keeps on trying. I know He loves me and wants the best for me.  I know I am saved through His Grace and that I will go to Heaven when I leave this earth behind.  I will get to see all the friends and family that have gone on before, and most important, I will get to worship before The Throne!!! I will get to lay my crowns at His feet, and walk the streets of gold, and sing praises to His name. I have a future, no matter how lost I may sometimes seem in this life. And no matter what, He still hold me in the palm of His hand and no man can snatch me out!! I still have a Mansion Builder...and He's not through with me yet!!!

Fighting Fear 101

Well, haven't been on here in a while, but just felt like "taking pen to paper" tonight.  This weekend is my 25th year High School reunion.  First of all, I can't believe it's been that long, it feels like it was just yesterday.  And 2nd...it amazes me how much has changed, but also stayed the same in the last 25 years.  Now, as regular readers (both of you) and some family members know, I fight the depression battle quite often.  More times than I care to admit, the depression wins.  And with the depression comes a whole host of other issues like insecurity, anxiety, fear and self loathing.  When I first saw the email that was sent about the reunion, I though "Yeah...I'll get to see everyone!"  Immediately followed by, "they don't want to see me..." and "they won't even notice if I don't come."  Then the information and sign up page was emailed.  Something possessed me to say that yes, not only would I go to the reunion, I would RIDE IN THE PARADE!  I will be honest, I struggled with that decision.  I wasn't going to do it.  Then I wanted to. Then I wanted to but was afraid to. All the old "I'm not one of the popular crowd" feelings came rushing back and I felt all the stupid insecurities I have fought all my life creeping in. I have a very bad habit of comparing myself to others.  I'm not as pretty as this person, not a smart as that person, not as funny as this other person, and so on and so on.  And though I really hate to admit it, some of the people I knew would be there still intimidate the heck out of me.  It's not their fault, it's just me and my lack of self esteem. As a matter of fact, the last few reunions and "get-togethers" we have had have been great.  And I have had fun.  And no one has EVER made me feel unwelcome.  Just the opposite.  So why was I so hesitant?  When I woke up this morning and it was raining, a little part of me was glad because that would have been my way out!  A woman I work with had basically bullied me into going to the parade, and when I said something about the weather this morning, she said "no, it's not going to rain all day...you're still going!"  She even threatened to leave work early herself to go to the parade just to make sure I went through with it!  AND I AM SO GLAD SHE DID!!!  I am glad that, for once, I pushed those self doubts and insecurities aside and  listened to the good side of me, the side that can be happy and joyful, but just doesn't get to be in control often enough.  Because I had a blast!  I haven't laughed that hard in way too long! Yeah, at a couple of points I felt a little awkward and had a moment or two of "I don't belong here", but I ignored it and carried on.  Because yes, I do belong there.  I grew up with these people.  And while we may not all be best friends, and I only talk to them at reunions and the occasional get-together, they are still a part of my life.  And if I opened up more, and actually initiated conversation, who knows?  Maybe we could all be closer. And honestly, if I really needed their help, I truly believe that they would give it if at all possible.  I love this group of people.  And if I had been more open in high school, who knows, I might have been a part of all the "old stories" that were being told tonight.  But, I cannot go back and change the past, I can only go on from here.  I'm not saying I'm going to start hanging out with various people every weekend, or taking trips to where some of them live now, but maybe a phone call every so often.  And definitely more emails and messages on FaceBook.  And heck, maybe even a text or IM or two!  I just know that I have spent way to many years not doing things because of fear...and I really don't want to let fear ruin my life anymore.  I caught a small glimpse of how much better things could be if I just opened up more.  And it was great.  So I am going to try to do more things that I really truly at heart want to do, rather than missing out because I am afraid.  Amazing lesson to finally learn at the age of 43, isn't it?  Ambrose Redmoon quotes, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."  Meg Cabot builds on this by adding, "The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. For now, you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be."  Again, lessons I probably should have learned many years ago, but hopefully, better late than never!  At least I'm gonna' give it a try!! (And I REALLY can't wait for tomorrow night!!)

I'm the Living Proof

I watched The Help again tonight for about the tenth time.  I really do like that movie.  I won't get into all the "stuff" here (not to trivialize it...it was a dark time in our nation's history, but that's not what this post is about).  I want to talk about the end credits song "The Living Proof" by Mary J. Blige.  Or, that's the jumping off point anyway.  The first time I heard that song it really struck a chord with me.  Now, I know it was written for the movie and I guess it is supposed to be from the point of view of the oppressed blacks in the 60's especially in Mississippi.  But it has an entirely different meaning for me.

Before I go any further, I need to give some background.  I have really been struggling lately.  My depression has been very bad the last week or so.  I have "up" times and "down" times and some are worse than others.  This has been a particularly bad down time.  Not the worst ever, but not giggles and grins by any means. If you have never dealt with depression, then you really can't understand the overwhelming darkness you can sometimes face.  I know people think you should just be able to "get over it" and sometimes, you kind of can.  But when it's a chemical misfiring in your brain, there isn't much you can do about that except hold on through the ride.  I think this is why I don't like roller coasters...I deal with an emotional one enough that I don't need to have a physical one too!  But anyway, I have tried to explain to people in the past what it feels like.  I don't know that they got it.  But tonight, I saw something a friend posted that makes some sense.  It was written for someone that has pulmonary hypertension.  The feelings expressed though, are so similar to what I feel on an almost daily basis.  I hope she won't mind me sharing it here:

I'm Fighting  by Mary Westberg

I'm Fighting to live
I'm fighting to breathe
I'm fighting each day
To find some relief.

I'm fighting for strength
I'm fighting for breath
I'm fighting for cures
To keep me from death.

I'm fighting my heart
I'm fighting my lungs
I'm fighting to feel
As if I was young.

I'm fighting to fight
It's all that I know
My life's worth the fight
Blow after Blow.

This is seriously how 29 out of 30 days feel for me.  Most people count their bad days, I count my good days.  And most of you have no idea the depth of the hurt and pain I have to carry around every day.  Every Day.  But that's kind of the point.  I think of it as a symptom of my disease...you aren't really supposed to know just how bad it is.  But sometimes, it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, much less do anything more than the absolute minimum that is required of me to get through each day.  So when I am ill, or if I snap at you, or I don't want to do anything, it's not because I don't like you or I don't want to be around you or go do things with you.  It's very often because I can't.  I have used up all of my energy just to exist...anything more is too much. And this brings me back to Mary J. Blige and "The Living Proof".  This song gives me hope.  Because I do feel like life has been a hard journey and an uphill climb, but I am still here.  I am the Living Proof.  The living proof that life does go on.  It may not always be what we want or hope for, and some days it's just flat out hard to survive.  And as the song says, "So many don't survive, they just don't make it through".  I have been extremely close to falling off of that edge.  I have been suicidal.  And to be honest, those thoughts are never far from my mind.  I even made a plan once.  But I made a promise to my Mom and my sister that I would never do that.  That promise has saved me, more than once. That and my nieces and nephews.  I want to continue to fight for them.  For all the people in my life that mean so much to me.  The song lyrics are below:

The Living Proof     Mary J. Blige  From The Help

It’s gonna be a long, long journey,

It’s gonna be an up hill climb

It’s gonna be a tough fight,

There’s gonna be some lonely nights

But I’m ready, to carry on.

I’m so glad the worst is over (‘Cause it almost took me out)

I can start living now

Ohh I feel like I can do anything

And finally, I’m not afraid to breathe.

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, Lord, I’m the living proof.

Thinkin’ back life's been painful, yes it was

Took a while to learn how to smile

So now I’m gonna talk to my people

About the storm, oh about the storm

So glad the worst is over (‘Cause it’s all beneath me now)

I can start flyin’ now

My best days are right in front of me

And I’m almost there ‘cause now I’m free

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, I’m the living proof

I know where I’m going

‘Cause I know where I’ve been

I’m gonna be strong and show it

I must be strong and keep growin’

That’s the way that I win

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So Many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, I’m the living proof

Nothing ‘bout my life’s been easy

But nothings gonna keep me down

‘cause I know a lot more today

Than I knew yesterday

So I’m ready to carry on

I'm ready to carry on.  Because sometimes that is all I can do...just carry on.  One foot in front of the other. Or sometimes, hand over hand as I crawl, fight and claw my way through the days. Because I am determined, no matter how bad it gets, life will not beat me.  I have a future to look forward to.  I have a home waiting for me in Heaven.  And oh, there are days when I so wish I were already there, but I know my journey here isn't finished yet.  I don't know what I'm doing right now, or where I am supposed to be.  Sometimes I feel like I am lost in the wilderness, but I know...I KNOW...I will get where I am supposed to be.  Maybe I am only making tracks for others to follow.  Maybe I will someday help others to get out of the wilderness.  I don't know.  But He does.  And I guess, in the end,  that's all that really matters.

So when you see me, and you ask me how I am, just remember...I'm still here, and I'm the Living Proof.

The Leader of The Band

I love Dan Fogelberg's music. (Or as Opus so wonderfully said about him when he found out his girlfriend had a tattoo of his face..."Dan Fogelburb?")  I have always had a soft spot for his soft rock tunes. I have to admit, I only discovered the song "Netherlands" a few years ago when I purchased a "Best Of" CD.  I love it.  Absolutely adore it!  It feels like he was writing about me when he wrote that song.  But I will always have such amazingly fond memories of "Run for the Roses", "Same Old Lang Syne" and of course, "Longer".  If I ever get married, I want "Longer" to be in my wedding in some fashion.  Yes, I grew up on his music and it is such a part of me and the tapestry of my life. All these years later his music still has the power to move me. But the song that probably means the most to me, and has become such a poignant song in the last few years is "Leader of The Band".  While it isn't exactly like my Father's life, there are certain verses that so make me think of Daddy...

The leader of the Band is tired and his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band.

I thank you for the music and your stories of the road
Thank you for the freedom when it came my time to go
I thank you for your kindness and the times when you got tough
But Papa I don't think I said I love you near enough.

I have always liked this song, even before I really understood what it was all about. As I got older, and I came to realize just how much like my Daddy I was, it really had a deeper meaning to me.  No, my dad wasn't a working musician, but he did love music.  He was always whistling or singing snippits of songs or making up his own songs.  I guess I was destined to love music because both sides of my family are musically inclined, but I know his love of music was a big influence on me. So he was the leader of our "band".  And his blood does run though me, though my voice, though my heart and soul...my instrument.  One of the greatest compliments I have ever received was when my Grannie (daddy's Mom) looked at me and said, "Your eyes look just like Junior's".  I do have his eyes.  I have so much of him.  Maybe that's why the past 2 years have been so hard.  I miss him so much more than I ever thought possible.  And as we approach the anniversary of his death, this year is even so much harder than last year was.  Maybe because I haven't really dealt with his death.  I grieved, but I don't know that I have ever really dealt with all of my feelings and emotions.  I am going to start working on that soon.  So, even though I miss the leader of our band, I know he wouldn't want me to continue the way I have been.  I know he would want me to move on and remember the good times and appreciate all the great memories.  And I hope I told him enough just how much I loved him. And still do.  And I KNOW I will see him again one day.  But I miss him every day.  But as the song said, "My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man, I'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band."  I want him to be proud of me.  I want to live up to his legacy.

I've never been a blue calm sea...

...I've always been a storm.  (Fleetwood Mac)

Sometimes I feel like the storm in my head is going to swamp me.  I wonder if I am ever going to be calm.  Outwardly, everything seems to be fine, like I have no worries or cares and can handle anything.  Inside...the storm blows.  Some days it's only a slight rain shower.  Many days it's a severe thunderstorm.  And then there are those days like today when its a Category 5 hurricane.  I wonder what I look like to people on those days.  Can anyone tell the inner turmoil I am experiencing?  Do I hide it well enough? Does the stress show.  If so, why doesn't anyone try to help?  Can't you hear me screaming??  How can you not?

This is the official "K & C" Automobile...if I ever find it, it will be mine!

Reqrets...I've got a few

I have realized that I should not watch things like the Phantom Of The Opera and Les Miserables 25th anniversary events because they always make me realize just how much I REGRET NOT following my dream to sing on Broadway.  Yes, I wanted to do musical theater.  Big, Bold musical theater (gee, like Phantom and Les Mis.)  I look back at the last 25 years and really wish I could go back in time and talk to the younger me and tell me not to be so damn afraid!!  Because I have lived so very much of my life afraid.  I wanted so many things that now, at 43 seem like they will forever be out of my reach.  I mean, anything is possible, but what are the chances, really, that I would ever get to play Cosette or Eponine or Christine?  Or any other leading female role?  (Well, in all honesty, Christine would always be a stretch because of the operatic nature of that role, but still, I would have loved it!)  And I realize now, that if I don't change, then I will live and die as I am now...alone, lonely, scared and longing for something more.  My heart feels like it's pounding out of my chest and I keep crying off and on because I don't know HOW to change to get to where I have always, desperately, wanted to be.  And if that is supposed to be what I do even.  I want so many things, yet I don't know what I am supposed to do.  Shouldn't I have that figured out by now and be actually doing it?  If customer service is my calling in life, then I should just give up now.  Because if I spend the rest of my life where I am at now, then well, really, I am already dead.  And I DON"T WANT TO BE DEAD!!  I want to live, with at least a little of what I have always wanted...a career I love, a husband and family that I love and that love me and I can give my life to, and HAPPINESS!!!  Is that so much to ask?  Am I being unrealistic?  People do it every day...so what can't I?  Why shouldn't I?  And why can't I hold on to this.....feeling...this passion...that is burning through my veins right now?  Why does life get in the way every time?  Why do I let it?  How do I keep it and use it to propel me to where I truly want to be?  What do I do now?  What do I do?  And how? 

Next time I say I want to watch Phantom or Les Mis, someone stop me.  Or buy me a ticket to New York or London!!

Adventurers...Out of Diesel

I was leaving Wal-Mart the other day and saw, from a distance, 3 people (and a dog) that I thought were possibly homeless or just hungry.  I got the twinge I always get when I see someone begging (especially when they have an animal with them) and I turned around in the parking lot so I could go out by them to give them some money.  (Please know, I do not always do this.  Sometimes I do, but a lot of the time I don't have cash or I don't make a point of going out of my way to take any money to them.)  Anyway, as I got close to them, I could see it was two guys and a girl (and the dog).  They were young, maybe early twenties.  The girl was holding a sign the simply said "Adventurers...Out of Diesel".  I handed them a few dollars and drove on, but something about that sign tugged at my soul.  Adventurers, out of diesel.  Adventurers.  I think it was that word that got to me.  That and the fact that they were honest about why they needed money.  They were driving an old school bus that had been spray painted with slogans and signs that probably made sense to them.  I have to confess, I wanted to go back and ask if I could join them.  I wanted to know where they were going, where they had been and what they hoped to find along the way.  I wanted to take them to eat and spend some time getting to know them.  I did none of that.  I just drove on home, talking to myself the whole way.  But ever since then, I have been so restless inside.  They reminded me of the person I once was.  No, I never took of in an old school bus and begged for money to get gas to power my adventures, but I would have if someone had asked me to.  Long before I had "responsibilities".  Long before I became mired in the muck of every day.  Before life got in the way.  I know I don't have children to support or a mortgage to pay, but my responsibilities do keep me tethered.  I long to cut those tethers and go.  Buy an old RV and pack what I need and my kitty cats and go.  I said, after my Daddy died, knowing all of the things he want to do but never got to do that I would have no excuses anymore.  If I wanted to go do something, I was going to go do it.  But, I find myself making more excuses and sinking deeper into my rut than ever.   I long to be that free.  To not have stuff to worry about, be able to pick up and go whenever and wherever, to be free.  I wonder if I will ever make it?

Several years ago I read received an email from a couple of different people.  I don't know how much of the story is true and how much of it was just made up, but it had a similar effect on me.  The gist of this email was a man saw what looked like a homeless man, but it turned out that he had chosen to travel from place to place, with only what he could carry in his backpack and depending strictly on the kindness of strangers.  He was doing this with a purpose though.  He was spreading the gospel as he went.  He was literally following Matthew 6:25-34.  He was trusting God to take care of all of his needs...shelter, clothing, food...everything.  I wish I had that much Faith.  Heck, not just Faith, but trust.  I guess I don't trust God to really take care of me that way.  I want to, but as the saying goes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  One day, I am probably going to regret NOT taking a such a leap.  And, honestly, God has never told me to leave everything I own and set out with just a few things in a pack and tell everyone I meet about Him.  But He has told me to tell others about Him, and lately, I haven't even been doing that. And sometimes I wonder if He hasn't told me to go.  Maybe not to that extreme, but to go.  Visit other churches, go out into the less traveled places and tell people.  Actually, I know that He has told me that.  He has told all of us that claim to know Him that we are to go and tell.  I used to.  Again, I let life get in the way.  I have been so wrapped up in me and my hurt and my pain that I haven't been able to see past the end of my nose.  I want to change that.  I intend to try to change that.  And I know it is not through my power that it will change, but strictly through His.  So if I come to mind, please pray.  Hopefully it will mean I am in the process of changing.

I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot...

...but sometimes I wish for more, than I've got...What about me??

That's a line from the song "What About Me" from the late 80's by the band Moving Pictures.  I have always loved that song.  I guess because in so many ways it fits me.  I really like this stanza in particular:

Now were standing on the corner of a world gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got

What about me?
It isn't fair
I've had enough now I want my share.
Can't you see, I wanna live
But you just take more than you give.

And the 'you' in that line is life, in my opinion.  I know, I have it really good compared to many people.  But man I am so ready for my turn.  I took a personality test yesterday on some website I was on (I can't even remember which one it was now) and it told me that my personality type was "The Performer".  The description said that "you crave the spotlight".  I never really thought of myself that way, but the more I have thought about that particular phrase, the more I think maybe, in a way, that is true. I do want to be the center of attention...SOMEONE'S ATTENTION. I don't need to be the center of attention all the time.  I have never tried to be "the life of the party".  But I have always craved being someone's center.  I have never felt special.  If my Mom or anyone else in my family reads this, they will probably think I am crazy, but I haven't.  I want someone to look at me like I mean the world to them.  Let me re-phrase that, I want a man, the right man, the man God has planned for me, to look at me like I am...it.  The end all be all.  Like I hung the moon.  And before you burn up the message boards with comments, I KNOW I have to love myself, and not depend on a man to make me happy.  That's not what I'm saying.  But just once, I want to feel like whether I live or die matters to someone outside of my family.  Like I matter.  Because so much of the time I don't feel like I do.  And I know that I do matter to Jesus.  I know HE chose to die for me because I do matter so much to Him.  But as the saying goes:  I'd like to have Jesus with some skin on.  I am tired of being alone.  Tired of wanting that other half to come along.  Just tired.  Not physically.  Mentally, emotionally...so very tired of fighting.  And I do feel like every day is a fight and always has been.  Some of you know this about me, some of you don't, but I have dealt with depression all of my life.  I remember being six years old and knowing something about the way I felt just wasn't right.  I am always a little sad.  There is just a pervasive mood of sadness in my life.  I can be happy and feel joy, but the sadness never completely goes away.  I have learned recently that this is called "atypical depression".  And it is more common than the name suggests.  So the constant fight to just get up and go is getting very draining.  I would like to have a "haven of rest, a safe place to land, a shelter from the storm...yada, yada, yada..."  I know...the whiny children have taken over the playground again.  Can't ever keep 'em away for too long.  Anyway...as I said, "the performer".  I have been hiding the depths of my depression pretty well from most people for most of my life.  Maybe that is why I like the comedy/tragedy masks so much...on the outside I try to smile, but inside I am often crying.  I know, it's so cliche...but cliche's are cliche's for a reason.

Not real sure why I included all of that about the depression.  It's just a lot harder to pretend everything is OK and put on that happy face when it's worse.  And it is worse today.  Some times it's just there and I can keep it in the background, some times I can't.  That's when the whiny children take over.  You would think that after 40+ years of this I would be better at controlling it, huh?  The strange thing is, I think I dealt with it better when I was younger.  Maybe it's just wearing me down.  Or maybe I am just tired of fighting and let it take over more often.  I don't know.  Maybe it's a good thing I don't have a significant other in my life...they probably would have gotten so tired of me by now that they would have left anyway!

OK, enough of the pity...I shall go pout in the corner alone and let you good people be!